Being Late

Black people love being late.  Black people are late for everything - late for work, late for their doctor’s appointment, late for meetings, late for weddings, late for funerals.  It doesn’t matter if the black person is the bride or the corpse, she’s gonna be late. 

It’s not completely black people’s fault.  Moi discovered this when she recently attended a party given by africans.  The invitation was for 4 o’clock.  Moi shows up at 4:30, entered the ballroom - exactly one table out of twenty-five had guests.  Yours truly then decided to partake at the bar to wait for the guests to arrive.  Four-and-one-half hours later, guests were still arriving.  It wasn’t until fully at 8:30 that evening that all of the guests showed up!  The next day, the hostess apologized attempting to explain to moi that, well, africans can be a little late sometimes.  Moi brushed it off reminding her that she was, after all, a descendant of africans and was quite familar with CP time. 

So is it genetic or is something else going on?  Do black folks see time as something the white invented and they refuse to be “slaves” to it?  Moi has attended black weddings and literally waited two hours for the bride to finally show.  Don’t attend a Tyler Perry play.  You’ll miss the first two acts while black folks are stepping on your feet to get to their seats.  Attend a “white” play and the only ones that show late, are, yep, you guessed it, black folks.  Moi rolls her eyes at them and thinks, “Harrump - *typical*!”  Moi has her on dealings with time.  She shows up for doctor’s appointments ahead of time.  She gets to the movies ahead of time.  She’ll meet you at the corner of Vine and Maple on time, but she’s late every day for work and dares somebody to say something so she can cop an at-tit-tude.

Late for everything and copping an attitude about it, black people love that shit. 

On A Serious Tip:

If the above sounds like you, you might be interested to know just why you are always late:  Capitol City Courier

Complaining ‘Bout Being Black

Black people love complaining about being black. They love being black and they love complaining about being black.

Every time something goes wrong, black people love saying it’s cause they black. They didn’t get a promotion, ’cause they black. They got fired, ’cause they black. They got turned down for the job, ’cause they black.  So-and-so said that, ’cause they black.  Everything bad happen ’cause they black. Black people love saying if you want to be their friend forget they black, but if you want to stay their friend remember they black.

No two black people can get together without the conversation turning to the fact they black and something bad happened because of it. They proud they black, they don’t have do nothing but stay black until they die, but shit always happening to them ’cause they black. They stubbed their toe ’cause they black. They fell down the stairs ’cause they black. They had a car accident ’cause they black. They caught the flu, ’cause they black.

Complaining about some shit happening to them ’cause they black, black people love that shit.

News Flash - Black People Can’t Swim!

This is a little off topic, but then it could be called, black people love to hate swimming? Anyway a USAToday article caught my eye: Black Children are 3 Times More Likely to Drown. Sixy percent of black kids can’t swim, twice the number of little white kids.

Back in the day, the closest little black kids came to swimming, was illegally opening the fire hydrant on hot summer days. There was a pool at the park within walking distance though. If you could swim, you swam. If not, you kept your ass in the kiddie pool or in less than three feet of water.

Moi was sent to summer camp, but after almost drowning in the lake water, plus opening her eyes in the lake water and seeing some disgusting, scary shit (I’m not going to talk about the leech that was attached to moi’s toe) moi does not go into natural bodies of water. Moi can’t swim either and when wading into the ocean will not go more than two feet, less a sea monster get her or she is sucked in by the undertow. Moi got married in Jamaica and never so much as stuck her big toe in the water. Yours truly stayed on the beach or the hottub suckin’ down Bahama Mamas all day.

The white are always swimming, getting their hair wet and getting eaten by sharks. When’s the last time you read a story about some black person getting eaten by a shark? Never, that’s when. Or voluntarily getting their hair wet at the pool or beach? I don’t think so.

Getting their hair wet in some stank water, black people love to hate that shit.

On a Serious Tip:

Black Children Three Times as Likely to Drown

Being About To Slap Somebody At Work

Black people love getting pissed off at work.  Black people are always just about ready to slap somebody at their job. There is not a black person living right now - who actually has a job - that is not threatening to slap the taste out the mouth of somebody at work. 

Somebody is always getting on the nerves of some black person at the job.  It could be the chipper white guy who always has a fabulous weekend skiing, backpacking, or skydiving or volunteering at the local soup kitchen - in your neighborhood - that comes in on Monday morning and chirps, “So!? What did you do this weekend?!”  *You* just spent your weekend trying to get some g-damn heat in your raggedy-ass apartment.  Now you just want to slap him up side the head.  Or, that perky blond that told you, you look just like that black comedian on TV but she can’t remember his name - and you don’t look a damned thing like Dave Chappelle - plus you’re a girl! 

Maybe it’s Joe Blow in accounting who wants to compare his brand new tan against the color of your skin.  Oh Lawd, please just let me slap him now!  Maybe its Suzy who stole *your* promotion who told you that you are so articulate - just like Obama - but you’re a girl!  Or maybe that pompous tight-ass with the bad breath from the legal department who just told you that he never thinks of you as a black person.  And last but not least, the only one other black person in your department besides you, but ghet-to, from the get-go, who can’t stop talking ’bout how June Bug is getting out of in-car-cer-ra-tion and the big party she having for him at home!  Lawd, hep me, hep me, now, pleeze!

Whoever it is, whatever it is, black people are just about ready to slap the shit out of them. 

Slapping the shit outta somebody gettin’ on their nerves - at work - black people love that shit. 

On A Serious Tip:

Rates of Unemployment for Blacks

Dey Mommas

Black people love their mommas.  Mommas are big in the black community.   Mommas hold it all together in the black community.  They are the glue in the black family.  Yours truly was recently honored to attend a neighbor’s celebration of her momma’s 80th.  The entire party laying on hands to bless her brought tears to moi’s eyes.  They are Nigerian and Christian and it was a beautiful thing to see.  God bless her. 

Back in the day if you wanted to start a fight with a black person, just say “Your momma!” and an ass-whipping you would be a-gettin’.  ”Your momma” was fighting words for sure.  Black mommas endure a lot - poverty, food stamps, welfare, lack of education, and lack of monetary support.  Moi’s own momma raised four kids on $80 a week and pink slips from child suport court that notified her yet again that her ex-husband had not paid child support that week.  Moi knew that sometimes the cupboards were a little bare, but she didn’t know she was that damned po’ when she was growing up.  But that goes to show how black mommas can create some miracles. 

Back in the day yours truly did not understand white women’s dislike and disrepect for their mommas.  She couldn’t imagine not loving your momma with all your heart and keeping her at home and taking care of her when she is old and sick.  Black people do not cart their black mommas off to the old folk’s home to be neglected and mistreated, we keep our mommas at home with us, feeding them and, yes, washing their behinds like they did for us when we were babies.  And you haven’t come full circle until you have washed your momma’s behind and have to bury her.   Moi’s own momma is gone now, but she is alive her in memory and in her voice.

Black mommas black people love them.

Growin’ Dey Nails and Toe Nails to Interestin’ Lengths

Black women like to grow their nails to interesting and unusual lengths and decorate them in interesting ways.  Some black women also apply this beauty tip to their toe nails.  Moi does not understand adding growing your nails to the appearance of claws and growing your toe nails to the point that you are unable to wear fashionable shoes or threaten to slice and dice your significant other when you try to be cute and rub your toes against their legs to your beauty repertoire.  However, to each her own.

Moi will not speculate on the breeding that must take place before one believes that having claws on one’s hands and feet are a beauty statement.  However, she would probably be right if she did dare to speculate that one may have to be raised in an environment of drinkin’ out of a paper bags, expressin’ oneself about crime in the neighbor on national TV without combing one’s hair, wearing gold teefs are de rigeur, and eatin’ a fish sammich on Saturday night with a 40 is a staple to think that having claws is, indeed, a beauty statement.

This confuses yours truly who spends many of her weekends attacking ash, feet crust, and overgrown toe nails.  Ever since she saw Boomerang (1992), with Eddie Murphy and his character  said he always checks the feet of fine black women and you would be surprised how many are sporting hammer toes, corns, bunions, and cracked toe nails (remember the scene when he pulls the covers up on fine Lela Rochon to check her toenails and they were looking a mess?)  Yours truly shifted down in her seat and slinking guiltly home has been taking care of her feet diligently ever since and even she can barely keep the crust at bay.  To actually spend one’s precious time cultivating this dubious beauty statement confounds and confuses moi.  Again,  however, to each her own beauty statement. 

Sporting some dubious fashion and beauty statement and taking it all out of bounds, black people love that shit. 

On a Serious Tip: Hot Ghetto Mess

 

Stayin’ Black

Black people love staying black. Back in the day, you could even give black people a high five on the black hand side.  Black people don’t have to do nothing but stay black and die.  So you can kiss their ass - their black ass, as a matter of fact - if you don’t like it - especially their white bosses. 

Stayin’ black can be threatened and is a little risky, however.  If a black person is angry at another black person, they might just slap the black off them.  Oops, there goes your black!  Unruly black children might be threaten with having their black behinds beat to the point of having the tar beat out of them.  Back in the day you could be black as tar or black as pitch which is the same as tar.  You could also be as black as midnight, which would become your nickname.  Some black people, especially men, had skin like black velvet.  This also makes you a smoooth N’ or a slick N’.   Sometimes a black person could be so black they are Captain Midnight.  This caused peals of laughter. 

When a black woman is mad at a black man, he is a black bastard or a black asshole.   And she is going to kick his black ass or put her foot up his black ass.  If she is mad at another black woman, she is a black bitch.  She is also going to kick her black ass or put her foot all up in her black ass.  What usually precipitates this threat is messin’ with her black man.  Black women do not play that shit. 

A hungry black person could have a black attack.  This means you want to get down with something to eat.  You can only have a black attack for something like fried chicken, sweet potato pie, watermelon, or a fried fish sammich.

If you are black, chances are very high that you live in a black area and shop at the black mall.  The black mall used to be the white mall, but when black people from the black area started shopping there, it was soon the black mall.  The white are now going to another mall.  If black people start going to that mall, the white will find another mall.  White people move around a lot.  This is commonly referred to as white flight.

But, back to stayin’ black.  Back in the day, there were black and white cookies.  There was a black half and a white half.  This was about as close as blacks and whites ever got.  Also back in the day there was black power and black activists like the Black Panthers.  Black people were black and they were proud. They were so black and proud, James Brown made a song about it.  Black people wore big Afros to show how black and proud they were.  The bigger the Afro, the blacker and prouder you were.  This may be about the time when darkskinn-ded black men came into favor and a lightskinn-ded brother couldn’t get any play.  You gave a black handshape to show you were black and stayin’ black.  Black people also gave a black power salute to show solidarity with their black brothers and sisters.  Sometimes they flew the black, green, and red flag to honor the “Mother Land”.  If you wore a Dashiki, Afro, and talked about whitey and The Man all the time, then you had black pride.  When black people started moving out of the black area, they might be referred to as buppies (yuppies, but only black).  A spoiled black woman, might be a BAP (Black American Princess).  Both might be bourgeois-bourgeois.  Too uppity (bourgeosis) and you might get your black ass kicked or the black slapped off you.  Oops there goes your black!

Stayin’ black, black people love that shit. 

On a Serious Tip:  The Black Power Movement

Having A House Par-tay

Black people love having a house party.  A house party can happen at any time.  All you need is three black people, a Friday or Saturday night, papercups, and a “taste”. 

Here’s how it goes.  Let’s say you work all week and stop by your friend’s house and then another friend stops by.  Voila, you got the beginnings of the making of a par-tay.  Black people like to have a ”taste”.  This is an ole school word, but that’s okay. If you black, you know what I mean.  Even though black people like a taste they never actually bring one with them.  As a matter of fact, what you have on hand is their “favorite” taste. If you don’t, then everybody has to count their change  and try to come up with enough for a fifth - no, I mean a pint.  There’s always somebody got a crumbled dollar or two and there’s always somebody with only 97 cents.  They never have a whole dollar, its always 53 cents or 42 cents.  When they borrow its always odd amounts.  They never ask to borrow a whole dollar.  Naw, that’s because they think you won’t notice they are nickle and diming you to death and hoping they don’t have to pay back. 

Anyways, back to the party.   Now you need a chaser.  Is there kool-aid in the house?  Does a bear shit in the woods?  Find some chips, turn on the boombox, and voila, a party.  Black people don’t have to have a house party in the house.  It can be on the stoop, in a car, or on the roof.

Now if there is a planned house par-tay, then there is more pre-planning involved.  This means the host or hostess know what they want to serve, but they’re waiting for you to show up so they can hit you up for the money and send you to the store for it.  Back in the day, food would consist of potato chips, maybe some pretzels, chicken wings (49 cents a pound!), collards, and potato salad.   Usually it is too hot in the house.  Back in the day, it was hot because nobody had air-conditioning.  Now, it is because nobody can afford air-conditioning, and besides your daddy ain’t gonna allow you to turn on the air because he ain’t married to the ‘lectric company.  It don’t matter because black people draw heat and sweat a lot anyway.  Want proof?  Watch “Dancing with the Stars”.   Mario is always the sweatiest. See? I rest my case. 

Relaxing at a friend’s house for a little house party before heading home, black people love that shit. 

Givin’ Dey Personal Opinion on TV

Black people love giving their personal opinion on TV about crime in their neighborhood.  Let something happen in their neighborhood and black people are clamoring to clown and mug for the camera and give eye-witness accounts about what they’ve seen.

This is the one event that black women do not sit in a beauty chair for 25 hours beautifyin’ herself before going before the camera.  Naw, she come out her house, hair nappy and stuck up at all angles, ashy, sleeveless blouse with her fat upper arms hanging out, and no bra, to make her local and national appearance on primetime TV just in time for the 6 o’clock news. 

She gives her account where the nation can see that perhaps she could use a little dental work and a few years more education.  This is done while the neighborhood kidz mug in the background.  I know white newsmen knock on doors until they find her to put her on television thereby embarrassing every other black folk right before they sit down to get their dinner.  There she is big as day, totally unembarrassed or self-aware getting her 15 minutes of fame.  Black people love that shit.

On a Serious Tip: 

Black crime is no joke. 

BLACK ON BLACK CRIME STATISTICS

While African Americans comprise 12% of the U.S. population, 45% of all murder victims in 2002 were African American, 91% of whom were killed by African Americans. Nationally, homicide is the leading cause of death for black men and second leading cause of death for black women ages 15-24. There have been over 250 homicides reported over the last 5-6 years in Pulaski County. United States spends an average of over $4.5 billion on emergency and physical/occupational therapy associated with crime-related injuries/deaths.